notre dame...

I went to Notre Dame this week. I’ve been there before but this time was different. There was a service on, incense burning and an angelic song coming from the center of the platform. The feeling in that place was quite intoxicating, a simplicity somehow weighed down in thousands of years of questionable history. Questionable that is, to me in this moment of my life. A few years ago when I would stand in a place like that (although I must admit Notre Dame is the finest cathedral I’ve stood in) I felt a resonance, an understanding of the bigger picture of the place, a sense of belonging and ownership. There was still a hint of that feeling this week but more so it was a desperate wondering about all of this - about all of the religions in the world. The histories of the nations that make up the world today are shrouded in religion and religions that have represented both incredible hope and incredible oppression.

But all of this is not so important to me at the moment; it’s the greater question, the question of whether any of it is real or whether it has simply been our human way of coping with uncertainty in life and a need for order and origin.

There’s many things I agree with in the various religions…a moral code that prefers others over yourself or in fact just sees others need and responds is important, if not essential for humanity’s survival. But would this all disappear without religion? Nations were cemented in religion for thousands of years, some still are, and whether we like it or not, our laws and social norms were birthed in these religious foundations. I used to have so much space in my mind for a ‘faith’ journey and maybe it’s still there a bit…it rears it’s head mostly when I am in danger or in the midst of an overwhelming choice. It’s a fallback which I doubt as quickly as I turn to it. Mostly I would like it to be real because I formed a bond to it over so many years and real or not, I have an understanding with God.

Many people would like me to resolve this internal dispute now… but I can’t…perhaps I never can. I don’t think I would ever be able to let go of just that last little bit of faith, there’s too much risk in that but I fear without devoting my whole self to the study of theology, science and history I will not even come close to an answer and therein lies the problem…I want all the answers without any of the effort. So, I go to Notre Dame, I feel internally conflicted and hope in hope while I logically analyse and doubt and then just continue on because ultimately right now I’m happier than I’ve ever been.